IlmNotes

A lecture by Shaykh Riad Ouarzazi in Mustafa Center, Virginia.

Islam is a very strong advocate of marriage. We view marriage as the foundation of society, family, and life because through marriage, families are established. Furthermore, the families are the fundamental unit of our society. In the Qur’an and the Sunnah, marriage is the only Halal and legitimate way in indulging in intimacy with another spouse. Allah calls marriage مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا – a strong covenant.

Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) says in Surah Rum:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.

Mawadda (مَّوَدَّةً) is interpreted by Ibn Abbas, Ibn Katheer, and others to mean Mahabbah, the Arabic word for Love. Now, why is love mentioned before mercy? The need of love in its general meaning is vital for the continuation of a marital life. When couples first get married, they’re constantly on the phone with each other at work. A few months later, they’re talking every few hours. A few months, they call each other once a day. Sometimes, they stop calling each other altogether! Does that mean their love has disappeared? No, because the initial passionate love transitioned and evolved into Rahma (رَحْمَةً), or mercy.

To explain love, let’s use the analogy of a boat. The captain is the husband. The captain needs someone who can navigate and that is the wife. Sometimes, the ship has to go through rocky waters and at other times, calm waters. This is a summary of the martial life. The husband must learn to treat his wives in a kind manner. Once, some women came to the Prophet, complaining about their husbands’ treatment of them. The Prophet replied and said, “”The best of you are the best to their wives; and I am the best to my wives.”

Shaykh Riad once read a book called “Why men don’t listen and why women can’t read maps”, which is a book that goes through the physiology and psychology of men and women; they are so different, and many of us don’t understand this. It took my 14-15 years to actually realize that there are differences. The brain of a man is made of different boxes – one for work, one for money, one for family. What women don’t understand is that these boxes are not always connected. A man takes a box, talks about it, and puts it back. A women’s brain is made of circuits and are somehow all connected – she can cook, take care of the children, and talk on the phone at the same time.

An example would be the bathroom; a man goes for a specific purpose. However, women go there for also socializing and getting to know others. When I was in Dubai as a company senior executive, I used to make Wudu’ in a bathroom and then go to the Masjid. Every single time I would go in the bathroom, I would always hear the same woman always in there talking – she really seemed to always be there. Seriously, the bathroom should be renamed and called a lounge…A woman criticizes a man for not being sensitive, for not caring, for not listening, for not talking enough, and for not giving or showing enough love. A man criticizes women for not being able to drive, not being able to read maps, talking without giving a point, etc. The fundamental point is that men and women are different.

There are twenty things that one should keep in mind to increase love:

1. Patience – The most important and crucial thing is to have patience in the family. As a marriage counselor, I notice that the most divorces happen in the first year. There is no patience; one woman wanted to actually divorce her husband because he snored too much.
2. Exchanging Gifts – It really helps to increase love, as reported by the Prophet when he said, “Give gifts to each other, as this will make you love one another” (narrated by Muslim). Give flowers or at least a smile to your spouse. But don’t make this mistake: one brother in Toronto told Shaykh Riad that he brought his wives flowers and then said, “Here are some flowers for you. They were on sale!”
3. Allocate time to sit and talk with each other – We have very busy schedules, but we need to make the time to sit with our spouses instead of watching television.
4. Warm Greetings – Give the Salaam as soon as you enter home. The Prophet used to say, once entering the home, “Assalamu Alaikum. How are you?” (Any language – could even be ‘Kya haal he?’). The Prophet said, as reported in Sahih Bukhari, “You will not enter the Garden until you believe and you will not believe until you love one another.  Shall I show you something that make you love one another?’  They said, ‘Yes, Messenger of Allah’.  The Prophet said, ‘Spread the greeting among yourselves”. The best would be if it is coupled with a hug. Psychologists say that for a woman to truly feel secure, she must be touched at least thirty times per day.
5. Praise Each Other – “I’m so happy you’re my wife”, etc.
6. Don’t compare your spouse to others – When you compare your spouse to someone else, then he/she says, “Why don’t you go and just marry him/her?” They hate it and it’s a killer. Give each one their right.
7. Pamper each other – Cherish each other. A man also needs some little pampering too. Tell one another: “You look so beautiful today. This ‘Itr makes you smell so good. I didn’t like this dress before, but when you put it on, it looks very beautiful!”, etc.
8. Chores – Participate in the chores at home together. Aishah, when asked about the Prophet, she said, “He used to keep busy serving and helping members of the household.” The best chef is a man. Homework for all the husbands – you must cook with yourselves. If you’re not married, go cook for yourself.
9. Charity – Say a kind word or at least give her a smile. But make sure to do it with wisdom: once a farmer had a donkey that had passed away. The wife said, “Don’t worry. You’re better than a hundred donkeys.” Once, Ibn Abbas was combing his hair before meeting his wife and was asked by others for the proof of this. SubhanAllah, Ibn Abbas was given a true understanding of the Qur’an and showed this when he uttered the verses from Surah Nisa:
   

   وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

   “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable.”

   ~Give each other a hug~

10. Spend some time out together – Just go out with your spouse and spend some time with each other. Does it have to be an outing, like eating out at a restaurant? It’s better if you do, but you should, at the very least, take her to somewhere beautiful. The trees here remember me of Canada.
11. Peaceful Gathering – Sit down with your kids in a circle and talk to them instead of sitting on the couch and watching television.
12. Show your support and care – For the brothers, be there for your wife especially if she is sick. If you’re not there, she will never forget. She left her family and her small teddy bear… for the big bear. A husband must be five things:
    1. A Husband – Protection
    2. A Father – Naseeha
    3. A Brother – Support
    4. A Friend – Conversation
    5. A Son – Cherishment
13. Break the routine – Does this mean that when everything is beautiful, we need to make a fight? No, that’s not what this means. Rather, it is when the routine gets dull. To stop this, surprise your husband when he comes home. He opens his drawer and sees flowers. She opens her drawers and finds a love note. When things would get dull, some of the Ahl-al-Salaf (pious predecessors) would go away for three days. During this time, the wives would start missing them and then they would return.
14. Be honest – Don’t hide your feelings. Talk about your problems, but not in front of your children. Problems and these little things are the spice of the marriage. It is related that Aishah said, “The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said to me, ‘I know when you are pleased with me and when you are angry with me.’ I asked, ‘How do you recognize that?’ He said, ‘When you are pleased with me, you say, “No, by the Lord of Muhammad.” When you are angry with me, you say, “No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.”‘ I said, ‘Yes, by Allah, Messenger of Allah. I only leave your name.’ For the sisters, don’t just pick up the phone and call your parents on every small thing. Try to work it out first. If not, then have someone you trust as the mediator. If that doesn’t work, then the very very last resort is to engage your parents.
15. Call each other with the most beautiful names – The Prophet used to call the Aishah, “Ya Aa’ish and Ya Humaira (the one with rosy cheeks)”. If your wife likes to be called honey, call her honey. Vinegar? Then call her Vinegar!
16. Don’t talk about your problems at the time of when going to bed – The problem with many women is that they bring in the bills and begin complaining at this time. That shouldn’t be the case because the bedroom is a place for relaxation. The most investment shouldn’t be at the living room because we don’t receive daily guest, but they should rather be in the bedroom because we spend so many hours in there.
17. Thank each other – This is different than praising each other. Ex. “You work so hard. BarakAllahu Feek.”
18. Apologize after making a mistake – Especially for the husbands, if they make, a mistake, then say sorry and say: “I really didn’t mean it.” One woman’s husband would beat and oppress her. Because of this, she was once crying and her parents happened to come at that time. When they asked her why she was crying, she said that I remembered you and I began to cry. She then brought her family in and treated them with refreshments whilst never mentioning that she was just beat. Her family was very happy, but the man felt great remorse at his action and felt like nothing. After they left, he bought her a big gift, gave it to her, and thanked her for teaching him a lesson.
19. Respect – A marriage without respect will never last. There must be mutual respect for one another. What’s worth that phone call you gave her? What’s worth the flower that you gave her? What’s worth the ring you gave her? What are all those worth if you don’t show respect? Without respect, the marriage becomes a failure.
20. Don’t be stubborn – Be his slave and he will be your slave. Be her sky and she will be your earth. The Prophet told the Sahabah, “Don’t you want me to tell you about a woman of Jannah? It’s a woman whose man has transgressed her and she cried, and before going to sleep, she went to him. She held his hand and said, “I will not go to sleep until you are pleased with me. This woman is from the women of Jannah.” However, don’t make your wife go through an ordeal, for Jannah is not cheap.

Abu Said Al-Khudri reported that the Prophet said, “The men have rights over the women. Even if the man had a wound and the wife, in order to prevent the man from feeling pain, licked the wound, she would still not be fulfilling the man’s right”. The same holds also true for the man: he must also treat his wife with love and respect. Once, Aishah went to the Prophet and asked, “What is the worst hardship you had ever gone through? The Prophet started talking about Ta’if and his various hardships. After talking, he brings a cup of milk and asks Aishah to please drink first. She politely declines and tells him to drink first. The Prophet also declined and asked her to drink. This time, she said yes, took the cup, and began to drink. After her, the Prophet took the cup, turned it, and then drank from the exact place that she had just drunk from…”

If you can put these twenty things that increase love into practice, then you will find your marital life to be beneficial. If you’re not married, then get ready to put these into practice!